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History
In the 1970s, Mary Ainsworth (developmental psychologist), observed that the type of bond a child forms with their primary caregiver will lead to the development of either one of four different attachment styles (Secure, Anxious/ambivalent, Avoidant, or Disorganized).
Her work culminated in a set of fascinating experiments known as the Strange Situation Experiments in which a child is subjected to brief moments of separation from a caregiver (usually a mother) in novel environments followed by a reunification. The noteworthy measurable of these experiments is how the child responds to both the separation and reunification with their caregiver.
These experiments have been tested and replicated across many different cultures and locations making attachment theory a comprehensive framework for developmental psychology. Notably, these attachment styles are highly predictive of attachment styles in adolescence and adulthood coloring the way one acts and feels in romantic/non-romantic relationships.
As noted, attachment styles come in four types, Secure, Anxious/Ambivalent, Avoidant, or Disorganized. The ladder three are iterations of an Insecure Attachment Style while Secure is self-explanatory. The following are essential characteristics for the development of a secure attachment.
Emotional Attunement:
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- Were your parents emotionally perceptive and attuned to your internal emotional experience, or were they distracted by their own anxiety and emotional needs? An attuned parent is acutely aware of a child’s feelings and seems to know what a child is feeling before they do. An attuned parent will be perceptive to a child’s emotional distress, even in unexpected (i.e., birthday party, playdate, etc.) environments making the child feel known, seen, and pursued.
Emotional Regulation
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- Did your parents provide emotional regulation when you were in distress, or were they unable to appropriately engage with your big emotions? When in distress, a child needs appropriate interventions (physical touch, calming voice, eye contact, etc.) that will help a child regulate themselves, and develop their own emotional regulation skills.
Permission To Feel
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- When you were distressed, did your parents allow you to feel what you were feeling, or were your emotions dismissed and invalidated with statements like “boys don’t cry” or “you shouldn’t feel that”. If dismissed, a child develops a negative association to feeling in general. As the Disney princess Elsa demonstrates, a lifetime of stuffing all feelings generally does not end well. A child needs to know they have permission to be upset, and name the feeling. Naming emotions can help engage the prefrontal cortex, a region of the brain essential for emotional regulation.
Repair
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- Were your parents willing to repair relational rupture, and ask for forgiveness when they were the transgressor, or did they frequently deflect responsibility on to others? A secure attachment is not the absence of parental failure but the willingness to reconcile when failure happens.
Attachment Styles In Adulthood
Secure
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- Caregivers offered appropriate emotional attunement, validation, regulation, and were willing to repair when necessary. As adults, securely attached individuals have a positive view of themselves and others. In relationships, those with secure attachment styles are comfortable with intimacy, and feel like their friend/partner will be responsive to their needs. They can effectively communicate these needs and are generally able to form healthy, lasting relationships.
Anxious/Ambivalent
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- Parents were emotionally unpredictable or intrusive. Caught up in their own anxiety, parents were only partially attuned to the internal emotional experiences of their children. In one moment, a caregiver is smothering a child with hugs and approval while harshly scolding them the next. This unpredictability creates a frantic internal world for the child leading to any relational inconsistency being rendered as a precursor to rejection. Individuals with an anxious/ambivalent attachment are overly dependent on others for reassurance and validation in adulthood. They may seek constant closeness and approval, worry about abandonment, avoid conflict, be more emotionally reactive and clingy in relationships, and tend towards people pleasing.
Avoidant
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- Parents were dismissive and often rejected a child’s emotions. Caregivers displayed very little attunement to the internal workings of a child’s heart and were often unaware of the emotional needs of their child. As adults, individuals tend to value independence and self-sufficiency. They may downplay the value of close relationships, prefer to be self-reliant, and have difficulty expressing emotions. Often with humor, they may deflect inquiries that invite them to display emotional vulnerability. This is someone who is socially vibrant and outgoing, but lacks substance in more intimate settings.
Disorganized
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- This attachment style is often associated with caregivers who were neglectful, abusive, or inconsistent in meeting the child’s emotional needs. Generally, high levels of trauma and abuse typify the parental experience for disorganized attachment. Because of the abuse, parents become associated with physical and emotional pain causing a disorganized attachment. Adults with a disorganized attachment style desire close relationships but are simultaneously fearful of intimacy and vulnerability. They may have a negative self-image, struggle with trust, and experience emotional turmoil in relationships.
Why This Matters?
American Psychiatrist and author M. Scott Peck once said:
Mental Health is dedication to reality at all costs
– M. Scott Peck
In other words, mental health is facing what is true.
Good mental health is resistant to fear while poor mental health is reactive to fear.
Fear works to keep hidden what is hidden while mental health seeks to uncover what is true.
Attachment theory can help reveal what is hidden, draw out what is true. It punctuates our own human depravity by revealing what nefarious evil has been done to us and by us.
So much of our overall health presides upon how we view ourselves. In my practice, no other factor have I seen to be more predicative of mental health related issues than how someone views themself. Attachment theory is situated amongst these ideas of self appraisal, it is a framework for self-perception and relational relating.
Attachment styles posit either a positive view of self or negative.
Secure = positive view of self and others
Anxious/ambivalent = negative view of self, positive view of others
Avoidant = positive view of self, negative view of others
Disorganized = Negative view of self, negative view of others
Herein lies the importance of self examination, it reveals in what ways we are compensating for a self-perceived deficiency. If you are an anxiously attached individual, in what ways have you seen yourself turn to manipulative behaviors in order to secure some sort of personal currency that says you are enough. How might you have fastened your own personal worth to the approval of others?
These questions may seem irrelevant and simply theoretical, and yet I have seen people two decades into their career realizing the only reason they first chose said career was out of a desire to secure an absent father’s approval. Why? because this person’s self-concept was fastened to the approval of their father. What presented as ambitious fervency for professional success was partially just insecurity masquerading as the former. This is what attachment theory can reveal, interpersonal styles of relating that highlight both the good and the bad.
It forces us to authentically take inventory of what was present or missing in childhood that should not have been. However, once awareness exists a path to healing will also be revealed. By accurately assessing where we are, we can accurately assess where we need to be.
This can be a profound experience.
For more on how our attachment style can impact our relationship with God, check out my other post here.
*Important to note, there is a significant body of research that suggests one can develop secure attachment later in life through experiences with safe and trusted friends. It is also vital to remember that attachment theory exists on a spectrum, it is not an all or nothing assessment. Meaning, someone is not 100% insecure all the time, they may at time exhibit tendencies of insecure attachment while displaying tendencies of secure attachment at other times.
