God & The Subconscious
During my time as a counselor, I have sat with numerous well-educated, theologically-informed Christian clients frustrated by their current experience with God. Often, these clients would correlate these frustrations to theological misunderstandings or spiritual realities rather than mental or emotional deficiencies.
Confused, these clients had difficulty reconciling the fact that someone with such theological prowess like themselves could be experiencing such anxiety or frustration with God.
Eric Johnson notes:
Even well-taught believers have remaining distortions in their perceptions and experiences of God, not realizing the gap that exists between their biblically based knowledge about God—of which they are consciously aware—and their more or less unconscious perception of God, a gap maintained by a lack of awareness of its existence.
God & Soul Care | Eric Johnson
In other words, there are elements of our conceptualization of God that remain untouched by theological formation.
In a study reflecting on this very idea, researchers concluded that primary human attachment figures also govern an individual’s implicit knowing of God and spirituality.
Therefore, to render our experience with God as unaffected by psychological implications would be a disservice to theological anthropologies (study of humanity) and empirical studies that often reference a tangible connection between our emotional disposition and spirituality.
God as an Attachment Figure
Often, it seems we dismiss the basic relational implications that color our current experience and feelings towards God.
Psychologist Bonnie Poon Zahl notes:
Research confirms the tendency to see God as an attachment figure and the tendency to think about one’s relational dynamics with God along the same two dimensions of human attachment: anxiety about abandonment and avoidance of intimacy
Attachment Theory And Your Relationship With God | Bonnie Poon Zahl
In other words, we subject God to the same attachment related questions that subconsciously or consciously accompany other relationships.
Are you there for me?
Can I trust you?
Are you dependable?
How we answer these questions about God as an adult is indicative of how we would have answered them about our primary caregivers as a child.
Attachment Styles
Attachment styles (Secure, Anxious, or Avoidant) formed during our earliest years of development, play a significant role in our relational motivations, impact how well we relate to others, and color the way we view ourselves, those around us, and God.
Attachment styles were first conceptualized in the 1970s when psychologists would observe the type of bond a child forms with their primary caregiver. These types of bonds often had profound implications on the way one forms and sustains relationships later in life. For more on attachment styles and attachment theory, check out this blog post here.
Attachment Styles And Our Relationship With God
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- Secure: Those with a secure attachment style will feel comfortable with intimacy and closeness with God. You may experience greater freedom in Christ, and feel less of a need to “earn” your salvation. Experiencing God’s unconditional love will come more naturally while seasons of spiritual hardship or seasons of silence from God will not be perceived as a reflection of the quality of one’s relationship with God.
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- Anxious/Ambivalent: Those with an anxious/ambivalent attachment style may perceive any inconsistency as a precursor to abandonment. Because of this, you will be preoccupied with whether or not God loves you, experience anger if you can’t see or sense God working in your life, and feel like you need to continually work (i.e., missions, service at church, etc.) or earn your relationship with God. You will be more likely to see the quality of your scriptural reading or times of prayer as synonymous with the quality of your relationship with God. God’s perception of you will induce frequent anxiety leading to continual questions like: “God, do you see me? Why won’t you respond to me?” Furthermore, you will experience significant emotional fluctuations with God (i.e., high highs and low lows) that are particularly felt during prayer life or other meditative experiences. This experience of unpredictability evokes fear inside and renders God inconsistent.
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- Avoidant: Those with an avoidant attachment style may see God as less personal, more controlling, distant, and almost exclusively experience God intellectually or theologically rather than emotionally. You will prefer self-reliance and avoid dependency—even in times of spiritual distress—on God while finding it difficult to experience closeness, intimacy, and warmth with God. Often, someone with an avoidant attachment will have no problem bringing their mind before God, but will experience difficulty and even puzzlement at the idea of bringing their heart before God. Intimate cries for deliverance in the Psalms will seem strange or even unfamiliar to an avoidantly attached person. They may even reject the idea that emotions, desires, and longings have significant relevance before God, almost as if he does not care. They may be more likely to spend more time entertaining and perfecting your intellectual theological positions rather than heartfelt engagement with these positions. Knowing will be seen as superior to feeling or experiencing.
The Solution: Experiencing God and Others
Earned Secure Attachment was coined by researchers to describe the perpetual experiencing of others in a way that is safe, secure, and vulnerable leading to the rewiring of the neuronal makeup in our brain.
In order to develop a strong and secure attachment with God that allows for safety and security to exist, we must do the same. It is not enough to know God intellectually, we must also experience Him intimately.
Eric Johnson writes:
Experiencing God’s presence is so important for the healing of our souls, because deep relational experiences are necessary to repair dysfunctional relational patterns and self-understanding derived from poor past experiences of oneself in relation to others.
God & Soul Care | Eric Johnson
In other words, experiencing God is essential to repair past emotional deficiencies that warp our understanding of God. For 6 ways to develop a secure attachment with God, check out this blog post HERE.
Application For Ministry Workers
For pastors, it may be important to reflect on the role that your own attachment style has on your conceptualization of God, how you steward your church, and how you deal with conflict within your church.
If you lean towards avoidant attachment, how can that lead to spiritual burnout and relational loneliness?
In dealing with congregants, how could the dismissal of emotions and desire (avoidant attachment) lead to a gap in what you preach on Sunday mornings and the care you offer to others during the week?
If you lean towards anxious attachment, how can fear of rejection or unhealthy desire for approval lead to manipulative or unhealthy behaviors? In what ways might you be seeking validation from others based on a self-perceived deficiency within?
For missionaries, attachment styles could be of equal importance. As a previous missionary, the importance of a healthy team dynamic when traveling overseas was essential for effective ministry. Especially as a team leader, understanding relational dynamics within yourself and others could be notable for effective team management.
Furthermore, it may be helpful to consider how your unhealthy attachment tendency has colored your view of God and therefore your ministry.
In what ways could an anxious attachment style (seeking validation, fear of rejection, etc.) have influenced your desires to become a missionary?
Is it possible your motivation to become a missionary has become hijacked by a pervasive belief that you need to earn God’s approval?
Reflecting on these questions may be uncomfortable for some, but it is worth the risk.
For what could be more sanctifying and refining than facing our spiritual and emotional deficiencies and yet still returning to the awaiting arms of Christ?