In the 1970s, Mary Ainsworth (developmental psychologist), observed that the type of bond a child forms with their primary caregiver will lead to the development of either one of four different attachment styles (Secure, Anxious/ambivalent, Avoidant, or Disorganized).
Her work culminated in a set of fascinating experiments known as the Strange Situation Experiments in which a child is subjected to brief moments of separation from caregiver (usually a mother) in novel environments followed by a reunification.
The noteworthy measurable of these experiments is how the child responds to both the separation and reunification with their caregiver.
These experiments have been tested and replicated across a variety of different cultures and geographic locations making attachment theory a comprehensive framework for developmental psychology. Notably, these attachment styles are highly predictive of attachment styles in adolescence and adulthood coloring the way one acts and feels in romantic/non-romantic relationships. For further explanation of these attachment styles, check out this blog post here.
Secure Attachment
The children that exhibited a secure attachment would explore their environments while mom was present, become moderately distressed when mom left, and seek mom’s comfort when she returned. These results reflect a child’s confidence that their attachment figure will meet their needs, be responsive to them when distressed, and act as a secure base from which to explore their environment.
For the securely attached adult, rejection/separation will be accompanied by both grief and trust. In other words, secure attachment gives permission to feel sad when experiencing loss of relationship yet appropriate differentiation, resilience and trust to move forward.
Jesus in Gethsemane
Jesus and God, no stronger attachment has ever existed. In Gethsemane, we are allowed to see the full weight of the cross bearing down on Christ’s mind and soul. In His grief, Jesus agonizes over coming death by pleading with the father to, “let this cup pass” (grief).
Eric Johnson describes it well:
During that time he felt an agony so extreme he had a bizarre physiological bodily reaction, signifying perhaps that his unfathomable turmoil had overwhelmed his finite human resources. Even so, he remained the paragon of emotional regulation, expressing his fitting negative emotions in fervent prayer and repeatedly surrendering his anticipation of the abandonment of hell to his father.
God & Soul Care | Eric Johnson
Following Christ’s intense grief, we see his heart of willing acceptance on display when he submits to the father’s will and says, “not my will but your will be done” (trust).
Jesus on the Cross
Jesus cries out, “my God my God why have you forsake me?” (grief) and yet again see his willing response moments later, “into your hands I commit my Spirit” (trust).
Eric Johnson again notes:
No human will ever fully comprehend his cry of dereliction: “my god my god why have forsaken me”…At the same time, we must not suppose his cry indicated any fundamental break in the unity of the father and the Son, for they remained united with the Spirit in their mission of reconciliation.
God & Soul Care | Eric Johnson
Put differently, Christ’s secure attachment with the Father allowed him to express the full vitality of his grief and yet still entrust himself to the care and will of the Father. We could never understand the strength required of God to hear his own precious son who was once coddled in the maternal safety of Mary’s bosom cry out in agony on the cross for deliverance, and yet still turn his back subjecting Christ to unfathomable fear and abandonment.
For what purpose could anyone possibly do this? Love for you and me.
He rejected one so he could receive many.
There is no greater display of a precious, intimate, and secure attachment between God and his Son than what was displayed on the cross. Furthermore, there is no greater display of a precious, intimate, and secure attachment between God and His people than what was displayed on the cross. For you and me, he rejected His own son.
Application For Christians
Jesus joins the chorus of stanzas in the Psalms that cry out in agony to God, and yet God stays his judgment.
God is not afraid of our doubts, our emotions, or our assertions that seem to compromise His integrity. We have convinced ourselves that emotional expression is synonymous with lack of faith or relational distrust. Yet, God’s own son echoes the cries so many of us have felt or will feel in our Christian life. Furthermore, Christ’s trust in the father was preceded by vulnerable emotional expression that reverberated with tangible agony and grief.
Notably, as Eric Johnson observes, Christ’s expression is of no consequence to the bond or unity between the Father and Son!
In fact, I would argue it displays a greater relational bond and trust.
Christ, in his most vulnerable moments on earth, displays a willingness to entrust the father with his heart. He commits his mind, body, and soul to the father, exhibiting deep trust and vulnerability with him. Conversely, we often fear vulnerability, avoid intimacy, and suspect God will smite us for wrestling with our doubt and questions.
We need to remember that if God can handle the cries of his own bloodied and beaten son on the cross, he is more than capable of handling our hearts.
While I suspect most of us believe this at a cognitive level, it seems we still restrain ourselves so often before Him. Why?
We are afraid of vulnerability.
We subject God to the same attachment deficiencies we experienced in childhood that render vulnerability unsafe and to be avoided at all costs. But God is not our past, He is capable to redeem what has been damaged, and restore what has been lost. Like Jesus, we should live every breathing moment willing to commit our heart, mind, and spirit to God.
Application For Parents
A hallmark characteristic of fostering secure attachment is giving a child permission to express difficult and big emotions. In other words, a child needs to feel they are allowed to, as irrational as they may be, feel what they are feeling.
Though it may be tempting to try and micromanage a child’s feelings, it is nearly impossible considering their still developing prefrontal cortex (region of the brain responsible for emotional regulation) gives them limited capability to control and regulate themselves.
Furthermore, how can Christ’s agonizing in the garden and on the cross teach us about how we should respond to our children in moments of distress?
Jesus felt free to bring his full self to the father, even the parts that were messy.
Have we fostered an environment in our home that allows our children to express and eventually work through difficult feelings and messiness?
Or have we dismissed their feelings as irrelevant, and too often responded to their cries with, “well you shouldn’t be feeling that,” or “you shouldn’t be crying.” Imagine if God responded to Jesus in Gethsemane and on the cross with a dismissive tone and demeanor, how evil and cruel he would be.